Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Thoughts on the Russian adoption gone wrong

Many have asked my thoughts about the adoption scandal involving the Russian child adopted by the woman in Tennessee.
For those who aren't familiar with the story, I suggest going to Google and doing a search. If you are lazy, here are some bare bones facts. Woman adopts older child from Russia. She sends him back to Russia on a plane BY HIMSELF with a note. Child is picked up by hired driver and dropped of at a Ministry (I think the Education Ministry???) office. Mother claims that child was out of control and even threatened to burn the house down with mother in it. Mother claims she was lied to about child's history.
My thoughts:
1) Under the Hague Treaty, adoptive parents must undergo 10 hours of parenting classes including ones about attachment issues. Don't know how she would not have known that there MAY be issues.
2) I don't really know if there were intentional lies told to the mother about this child but I do know there are, at a minimum, miscommunications in foreign adoptions. I do believe that sometimes lying does occur for various reasons. I also believe that sometimes things are lost in translation. Honestly, in our adoption of the girls, I don't feel like we were ever lied to. I DO believe there were things lost in translation and cultural issues we had to overcome. I also remember taking everything with a grain of salt throughout the process.
3) A child can be fine in one environment (say, an orphanage) with their routines, language, etc. Then, all of the sudden, BAM! They are in a new country with new customs, norms, language, etc. Top it off with new routines and I think a child can certainly react differently! I remember the first night the girls were home they seemed overwhelmed with the toys, visitors, etc. I also think the quiet of our house (they shared a room with 38 other infants!) was a bit unsettling.
4) I saw on ABC news that in December she was contacted by the adoption agency that placed this child with her and she indicated that everything was fine AND she was interested in adopting another child. The agency encouraged her to wait a little longer for the child to be settled. THEN she went to another agency and started the process to adopt a child from Georgia (the country, not the state).
5) Parenting CAN be overwhelming. I do feel a bit of pressure to do it better, react better, enjoy it more, etc than the average biological parent. I think that pressure comes from within but I do feel it. This child is 7. The mother was a single mother. Andrew is 8 and I've been playing single mother for 21 months. I'll be honest. I stinks sometimes! Today was a bad day! Andrew seemed to do the exact opposite of what I asked him with EVERYTHING! It was frustrating. NEVER did I think I should get rid of him. I think it is safe for me to say that even if he threatened to burn my house down with me in it I wouldn't think of "sending him back." Instead, I would look for resources to help.
6) No one has indicated that this mother tried other resources before her drastic move to put this child on an international flight alone. Call the agency! Call Social Services! Call the police if you don't know who to call!!! I can sympathize (just a little) that this mother must have been VERY overwhelmed and needed help, but she handled it the wrong way. I can feel sorry for the mother who was scared of her own child and who felt overwhelmed. I can't feel sympathy for the mother who puts their child on an international flight by themselves in an effort to "send him back."
So, those are my opinions. They may not be popular, but it's what I think based on what I know. I am curious if there is more to this story (like if she tried other ways to get help and no one would help her). I guess my faith in humanity makes me want to believe that there is more to this story and the mother did try other things.
It does make me frustrated that this makes the US look bad with international adoptions. It also makes adoption look bad. For every one messed up mother who does somethign like this, there are hundreds of thousands who take children in, love them as if they were biologically theirs, and are the best parents they can be. However, that's not exciting journalism. I hate that this one person can potentially make other adoptive mothers look bad.
I'm not a perfect mother. Not even close. :) But I love my 3 children more than words can express. They are the light of my life and I can't imagine life without any one of them.

4 comments:

PLANET HANSEN said...

Ditto!
Amen!
I thought the same thing on all the issues. You seek alternative solutions...you don't put them on a plane, alone, to Russia.

Ali said...

I agree. No matte what this child may have said or done, HE IS SEVEN YEARS OLD. My son is almost seven and I don't even let him play outside alone. Crazy!

Anonymous said...

Now, I agree that what she did was not the right thing to do. However, she could of done worse. I understand what you mean about her making all other adoptions look bad. But for me, so does Octomom and Kate Gosslin. Time does help, at least, a little.
Lov
Liv

Burbs said...

I hope your packing for Germany is going well! I would love all the opportunities you have had to live around the world. It must be hard but amazing at the same time.